What Depression Looks Like From the Inside Out

A true story.

Photo by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash

He would ask, “What’s up?”

I’d reply, “Not much.”

He would laugh and joke, understandably uncomfortable with the slate of silence.

But I’ve shared before and these words go unheard: It’s not “what’s up” it is “what’s down.”

It is a cremation of solitary confinement. It’s where life hurts. When breathing is an effort and the sun never rises in the fullest of day. Where each step is darkened and stuck.

People are a blur and the sounds and sights vibrate two octaves lower than the earth. Everything cuts deeper and plucks the cellular structure of being. Tired is only a word. This feeling is the sand being pummeled by aching waves. And the window of soul have infinite tear stains.

Before I would answer, he’d reply, “It’s not so bad. Just look on the bright side.”

And I’d, blink through the fog. “Yes, of course. Why didn’t I think of that?”

Quiet, sigh.

In the creases of never there’s always a tomorrow. Alone can happen in a full room. Some can’t relate to the sound of death. Others have grown callouses around heart. And a handful have the penchant to see there’s variegated shades of bittersweet even in the dismal shadows.

It is where I find answers that break and bleed blue.

Therefore I write, separating the self-doubt from the noise of the norm. Knowing “what’s up” also carries the weight of “what’s down.”

This has gives me the golden pearls and slices of wisdom’s truths.

Carolyn Riker is a poet, writer and author. She has two books of poetry: Blue Clouds and This is Love. She’s currently working on her third book of poetry and a her first novel. In addition to writing, she has a private practice as a highly sensitive mental health therapist. If you would like to read more of her words, follow her on Facebook at Carolyn Riker, MA, LMHC or Instagram.

Dreamer. Poet. HSP. Empath. Licensed MH Therapist. 3 books published. 3X Top Writer. Love espressos & my chunky cat. www.carolynriker.com

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